Village idiots

Another house move, another borough. First of all I would like to reassure the 18 local worthies who signed a recent leaflet - MPs, councillors, the Mayor, several Imams and Vicars - that I am not about to go on the rampage. Like them, I too 'woke up to the news that police had launched an anti-terrorism operation within Waltham Forest'. It did not occur to me to stage a series of reprisals against the alleged plotters. Even if they are not merely Internet bigmouths or Brazillian electricians, I can conduct myself without having 'an adverse effect on our way of life'. But thanks to my new local authority for making me feel really welcome.

Incidentally, my plan D for moving house was to get a place at Orchards Holiday Village. (The distance from central London and the site's winter closure put me off in the end.) It's in the news today for all the wrong reasons. If the stories are true, the owners are clearly missing a trick by not including the abundant opportunities for casual sex in their brochure. If only Waltham Forest Council would send its troubled young men there, a suitable distraction from hatching terror plots could soon be found.